We’re just a few short days away from the premiere of Pilot Pete’s season of The Bachelor . Thank god, I was starting to get a little too productive on Monday nights. Get your wine and yoga gasps ready, because the contestants have been announced( are three flight attendants really necessary ?), the bar has been defined high, and we’re ready for our annual Bachelor hiatus to end. I, for one, always love to see what new and inventive words the contestants will come up with to mean “aspiring influencer”. (” Content creator”, anyone ?) So, in anticipation of the new season, we’ve rounded up the craziest job titles from the past few seasons.

Tiara, Chicken Enthusiast

Season: Ben Higgins

When it comes to Tiara, I merely need more details. What kind of chicken? Does she opt nuggets or tenders? Is she a breast or a leg daughter? Has she tried the Popeye’s spicy chicken sandwich? And if not, can she even call herself an enthusiast? Does she, too, want a man to get her Chick-fil-A on Sunday like that contestant on Pilot Pete’s season? This undertaking title leaves me wanting more, and I feel like it’s my journalistic duty to interview her and get all the facts about how enthusiastic she is about her love of chicken.

Daniel, Canadian

Season : JoJo Fletcher

Okay, I’m curious what exactly a professional Canadian does. I imagine “theyre saying” ” eh” a lot, play hockey, eat Canadian bacon, and love Justin Bieber, Drake, and Ryan Gosling. But if you have any other hypothesis about what it means to represent the entire country of Canada as your profession, without being the Prime Minister, please let me know your thoughts.

Heather, Never Been Kissed

Season: Colton Underwood

This is a lie, I’m sorry. Heather, there is no way you HAVEN’T ever been kissed. She just wanted to top the virgin on the demonstrate and this was the next best thing. Or maybe she thought she was supposed to write down her favorite movie instead of her job? Either way, I’m not f* cking buying it.

James, Bachelor Superfan

Season : JoJo Fletcher

This was genius and I want to shake James S.’s hand and thank him. I can almost hear the gleeful screeches from groups of women at watch parties declaring him their dream human. An attractive single male who loves The Bachelor and can help me with my fantasy bracket? WHERE CAN I Sign up? Whatever happened to this guy anyway? Can we get eyes on James S. ASAP?

Alexis, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer

Season: Nick Viall

I, too, love dolphins and definitely wrote down” dolphin trainer” in elementary school as what I wanted to be when I grow up. But that was elementary school, and not on national television. And I can’t help but feel like I need an update on the status of Alexis’s aspirations. Going on The Bachelor brought her nowhere closer to achieving that dream–probably further from it, to be honest, since we realise she can’t even tell a dolphin from a shark. But she does have her line of hoop earrings, so she has something, even if that something is not dolphins.

Tony, Healer

Season : Kaitlyn Bristowe

WTF does this even mean? Is Tony a “doctor” that focuses on natural remedies? Is he a therapist? Is he just like my manipulative ex-boyfriend who claimed he was a” spiritual healer” which actually just meant he would bully people until they broke down so he could construct them back up? Whatever the suit may be, Tony definitely sounds like he did a lot of drugs at Burning Man and only declared himself a professional healer in the middle of the Nevada desert. He kinda is like he merely escaped a flame, so maybe he should use some of that magical energy on himself. Has he ever actually healed anyone? Also, what insurance does he take? Inquiring intellects need to know.

Rachel, Unemployed

Season: Ben Higgins

Honestly, props to this girl for being honest. She’s not trying to construct us believe she’s anything other than what she is. Look, the girl is 23, of course she’s unemployed. These people who come on here at age 22 and say they own a business are just liars. I guess this was before we could all simply call ourselves influencers, so good for her. Respect, Rachel!

Jonathan, Tickle Monster

Season: Rachel Lindsay

Yeahhh, “tickle monster” sounds like a bootleg Sesame Street character , not a profession for a 31 -year-old man. Jonathan is like that persisting guy at the bar who does not get the hint when you tell him you “have a boyfriend” that it means you’re not interested, forcing you and your friends to move to the other side of the bar. If an adult man ever tried to tickle me, I would call the policemen, and that’s not an exaggeration.

Lucy, Free Spirit

Season: Juan Pablo Galavis

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I feel like people who are actually free spirits don’t declare themselves as such. It’s kind of like calling yourself a hipster. Lucy probably just did acid at Coachella one time while wearing a flower crown, and here we are. I’d love to see her these days, because I have a feeling she realized that she needs money to live, and has a boring job like the rest of us. Being a free spirit isn’t so cute when you can’t move out of your mom’s house.

Evan, Erectile Dysfunction Specialist

Season: JoJo Fletcher

Please always remember that before Evan married Carly and had two kids with her that he was an erectile dysfunction specialist. I entail, this is just incredible. He’s basically advertising his sex abilities via his chore title. Like, he literally specializes in guys not being able to perform, implying that he’s an expert in it, and I admire that. Even if it’s not true, which it is likely to isn’t, you’ve only got one shot on this thing( unless you’re Chris Bukowski) then why not lay it all out on the table? Of course, he still has his ED clinic, and has recently been in some legal hot water over building misleading claims.

Hayley& Emily, Twins

Season: Ben Higgins

I will say that even though ” twins ” is not a real job, Haley and Emily might just be the closest thing to professional twins this world has ever seen. I entail, they were a package duo even on Paradise , and even tried to have a spin-off show that merely focused on them being completely incompetent at life. Most twins I know didn’t even want to attend the same college, so I guess I respect Haley and Emily leaning into their one strength.

Lucas, Whaboom

Season : Rachel Lindsay

Lucas, your dumb little catchphrase was an embarrassingly overt attempt to make sure you got your 15 minutes. Now, I get that all of these people must want their 15 minutes, or else they would go on a dating app and not a reality TV show, but Lucas didn’t do it very deftly. Frankly, I’m riled that the producers even humored him by casting him at all. The fun of watching The Bachelor is pretending that all these people are there for the right reasons and not to become Instagram influencers, even when we know they’re all going to become influencers anyway.

Kelly, Dog Lover

Season: Juan Pablo Galavis

Honestly, I’m a huge dog lover, so this is my dream job. Although it’s not exactly clear how one could make a living off of loving puppies, because if you could, every single person on Instagram in 2019 would be a millionaire. Kelly, tell us your secret! We could solve world hunger! If I had to guess, I’d say Kelly walks dogs sometimes and maybe even started an Instagram for her parents’ dog, and it has 700 adherents to date. Chase those dreams, daughter!

Kamil, Social Media Participant

Season: Becca Kufrin

Kamil, I hate to break it to you, but we’re ALL social media participants. You might as well have set” human man” as your job title. He is definitely the guy who has a passion for starting Twitter wars with strangers on the internet. Or maybe he was just getting a head start on his post- Bachelorette career, which doesn’t appear to have worked out too well for him.

I frankly don’t even understand the phase of dedicating the contestants task titles at all, considering half of them are fake and all of them just want to shill weight loss tea. But at least it dedicates us amusement and extra gasoline for our roasts.

Images: ABC( 15 )

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