What Stupid Thing Is Trending Now?( 9/10/ 2017)
What stupid thing are people talking about now? Sigh…
This budget James Bond rogue had no business owning a pond full of sharks. Sharks, the “puppies of the sea, ” typically require care that can’t be provided by a cellar pond. Fortunately the living sharks were rescued and will be adopted out to loving homes- waiting no sorry, to an actual aquarium capable of handling seven sharks.
This got us wondering, how exactly do you get ten sharks to your cellar pond? Is there a shark delivery service? A shark black market? Guys in dark allies with trenchcoats full of sharks?
One of the difficulties procuring sharks( other than the teethy bitey stuff) is their conservation status: many are imperiled. So it astonished us to find out that you can actually shop for sharks online . This website claims to be legit, with legal permits to collect and sell sharks. It also insists upon humane therapy of the sharks, demanding their costumers show proof of proper tank facilities. The best part of the website is their guaranty: “NO GAMES! WE GUARANTEE LIVE ARRIVAL ON ALL AIR SHIPMENTS OR YOU GET ANOTHER SHARK OR YOUR MONEY BACK! ” I wish there were more ensures like this, like “If this bottle of OxyClean doesn’t obliterate spaghetti stains out of your white shirts and you aren’t 100% satisfied, receive a full rebate OR YOU GET ANOTHER SHARK.”
I didn’t realize there could be a worst take over hurricane Harvey and Irma, but here it is. A feel-good article published by the New York Times about an adorable old couple also named Harvey and Irma. Sure, hurricane Harvey devastated Texas, killing and displacing people. And right now Irma is attaining landfall, where the destruction and bodycount is rising, but look how cute this old couple is!
Do we really so desperately need hurricane stories that we have to resort to cutesy coincidences? Are we operating so low on more meaningful narratives, such that someone has to write this bit of morbidly cloying wordplay: “Given the ferocity of Hurricanes Harvey and Irma in 2017, this will probably be the first and last hour the names appear in tandem. The Schluters, by contrast, have been appearing in tandem since the 1940 s.”
Cute. Anyways, an estimated 13 living in the Caribbean have already died after catastrophic landfall from Irma.
Here’s how the events reportedly was downed: A girl met a guy on Tinder, went to his place, employed the toilet, panicked when it clogged, dug the poop out of the toilet, hurled it out the window, panicked again when she found it landed not on the lawn but in a narrow area between two inoperable windows, tried to retrieve it head first, and is stuck. Overall, a pretty above-average Tinder date.
If this is a hoax, it’s a damn good one. Not merely did the fire service verify that someone did in fact get rescued from between two windows, but the sheer creative talent to weave such a compelling narrative of poop retrieval would mean we have another David Lynch in our midst.
But if this story is true, I want to take a minute to address the brown elephant in the room. Guys: girls poop. Girls: we have to start admitting that we poop. This whole culture of dishonor around girls pooping needs to end. “I’m a woman, I pooped in your toilet and it clogged, I require a plunger, ” shouldn’t be world-shattering, but for many females it is. We’ve been taught that the proper thing to do is to pretend we’re biological wonders who never poop and pee-pee only once a week. We need to let females come out of the darkness, so nobody has to resort to poop espionage again.
Silicon Valley executives have been so busy kissing their own ass, they’ve forgotten how to feed. After rebranding get high on LSD as “micro-dosing, ” a “productivity hack, ” they’re now rebranding fasting as “biohacking.” Everything has to be “hacking” with these nerds, they probably call alone time with their lotion greased hands “intimacy hacking.”
The new trend of not feeing for a few days is supposed to be a cheat code for dieting, err, I’m sorry, ” biohacking . ” The claim is that it helps with weight-loss( duh ), productivity, and energy. Proponents of fasting sound fairly sciencey, with all their talk of ketone-consumption( which happens when the body goes into starvation mode and starts eating its own fat stores ). And far be it from me to question the all-encompassing wisdom of rich Silicon Valley dweebs, but perhaps it’d be cool to consider what some actual scientists say about the effects of fasting.
According to articles that were published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal , it is true that intermittent fasting may offer health benefits, such as resistance to disease and increased functioning of memory and learning. However, most of these studies have been conducted on animals. Additionally, the benefits from fasting may only be due to the overall lowered caloric intake. So fasting may merely bestow the same amount of benefits of traditional caloric restrictions, and has the added danger of binging on non-fasting days. In fact, examines on fasting have found people often overeat to compensate for their day fasting, and fasting is also a strong risk-factor in developing binge-eating disorders and bulimia.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t listen to dieting advice from Silicon Valley executives who aren’t medical professionals. But don’t come crying to me when you try out the hottest new fad of “pee-hacking, ” where you only urinate on odd-numbered days and you end up the mother of all bladder infections.
Read more: www.cracked.com